PENDERGRASS CLOSE TO ENDORSEMENT DEAL

Public interest in the performance of local hero John Pendergrass in last weekend’s ½ Ironman Triathlon in Panama City, Florida has come to a screeching halt after word spread of his “DNF”, (lingo for “did not finish”), at the event. As predicted, U.S. Postal rider Steve Phillips coasted, i.e. limped, to the finish line in slightly more than six hours, beating the heat and humidity and vanquishing his chief rival Pendergrass. As for the “man”, he was forced to abandon the event five miles into the bicycling leg after suffering a flat tire.

Offers from several national corporations have poured in this week for Pendergrass, who is reportedly close to agreeing to terms to endorse the miracle product, Fix-A-Flat, which will be reportedly be marketed to bikers in a small tube that will fit inside a nylon pouch below the seat. The world duathlon team member shunned offers from other corporate sponsors such as Sony, who hoped that he would endorse a new product called “Riding With The Classics”, a portable stereo with earphones that plays classical music 24 hours per day. That deal fell through when Pendergrass refused to appear publicly at the world duathlon championships this summer with Richard Simmons to “warm-up” the participants before the event in Europe.

The 2004 ½ Ironman took its toll on many of the participants in the event. But Phillips, who is considering resigning from his post as a letter carrier because of the Postal Service’s refusal to renew the contract of Lance Armstrong and the U.S. Postal Team, was elated after the finish. Iron Mike Barnes wisely decided not to finish the event after being unable to consume any calories during the bike leg. Local physicians Becca and Kenneth Duff finished their first ½ Ironman, as did their coach, Mike Vilillonga.

The biggest winner of all however was the normally humble Phillips, who could not contain his elation at whipping his rival and riding buddy, Pendergrass. Both left the event shortly after Phillips finished and refused to comment on their performances.